Standing Tall: Self-Governance, Trauma, Faith, and Conscious Choice

A Personal Study on Healing, Accountability, and Spiritual Awareness

By K. Kirton Niner

For many years, I lived with the weight of other people’s judgments. I was told I was not good enough, not smart enough, too emotional, too chaotic, too outspoken, or too aware. Like many individuals carrying generational trauma and emotional burdens, I spent years trying to understand not only myself, but the patterns within my family, my relationships, and the traditions passed down through generations.

This study is not written to glorify substance use, rebellion, or irresponsibility. It is written as a personal reflection on self-governance, spiritual consciousness, trauma processing, and the importance of intentional living.

At eight years old, I made a commitment to Jesus Christ through baptism. I believed then, as I do now, that I was meant to stand tall, remain honorable, and walk with integrity even when life became painful or confusing. That promise became part of my identity. Over time, however, life experiences, emotional wounds, criticism, and conflict caused me to question my own worth and voice.

As an adult, I entered into the use of cannabis consciously and cautiously. I did not approach it carelessly or recreationally at first. I approached it as someone trying to understand the traditions, dependencies, and behaviors that had affected the men and family patterns around me. I wanted to understand what my son’s father had experienced and why certain cycles continued across generations.

What I discovered surprised me.

Rather than feeling intoxicated or reckless, I experienced a heightened awareness of myself. I became more conscious of my breathing, my stress responses, my emotional suppression, and the unresolved pain I had carried for years. Instead of escaping my thoughts, I found myself confronting them. Instead of becoming numb, I became reflective.

This does not mean cannabis is harmless for everyone. Human beings respond differently to all substances depending on biology, trauma history, mental health, environment, dosage, and frequency of use. For some people, cannabis may worsen anxiety, dependency, confusion, or emotional instability. For others, alcohol may be far more destructive. Personal accountability and honest self-awareness remain essential regardless of the substance involved.

One of the most important realizations I came to was the difference between use and abuse.

Modern society often struggles to distinguish between the two. A substance, behavior, or pleasure can be used responsibly with awareness and moderation, or it can be abused in ways that harm the individual and those around them. Alcohol, for example, has contributed to violence, assault, addiction, broken homes, and emotional destruction for countless families. Yet some people use alcohol moderately without destructive behavior. The same principle applies broadly across human behavior.

The deeper issue is not merely the substance itself, but the condition of the individual using it:

• Are they conscious or unconscious?
• Are they escaping or understanding?
• Are they accountable or reckless?
• Are they seeking healing or surrendering control?

For me, cannabis became less about intoxication and more about honesty. It forced me to recognize how long I had been grinding my teeth emotionally, holding my breath spiritually, and carrying the expectations and projections of others. It slowed me down enough to hear my own conscience again.

Most importantly, it reminded me of something eternal:
my worth did not disappear simply because others questioned it.

I remembered my Father’s love.
I remembered my commitment to Jesus Christ.
I remembered the importance of my family name, my integrity, and my responsibility to stand tall even when misunderstood.

This understanding connects deeply with my view of the Book of Mormon and the principle of self-governance. To me, the purpose of scripture is not merely to control people through rules, but to teach individuals how to govern themselves consciously, responsibly, and spiritually.

The symbolism of the “iron rod” represents holding firmly to truth, discipline, conscience, and God despite the distractions and chaos of the world. Self-governance means learning to choose wisely even when no one else is forcing the choice upon you.

True healing cannot come solely from any chemical, institution, or external authority. Healing comes from honesty, accountability, spiritual grounding, meaningful relationships, and the willingness to confront truth within ourselves.

My experience has taught me this:

A person can appear chaotic on the outside while still fighting internally to remain honorable and spiritually awake.

Many individuals carrying trauma are not trying to destroy themselves. Often, they are trying desperately to understand themselves while surviving emotional pain, family cycles, criticism, rejection, or grief.

The answer is not blind indulgence, nor blind condemnation.

The answer is conscious discipline.

It is the ability to pause, reflect, choose carefully, and remain accountable for one’s actions. It is understanding that freedom without responsibility becomes destruction, while responsibility without compassion becomes oppression.

Standing tall does not mean perfection.
It means remaining upright in spirit while continuing to learn, repent, heal, and grow.

My testimony is not that cannabis is a savior.
My testimony is that God never abandoned me while I searched for understanding.

And through that search, I remembered who I already was.

Brothers and Sisters,

Today I would like to speak about remembrance, restoration, and the importance of reading scripture for ourselves.

Over the last little while, I have spent time reading the Book of Mormon from cover to cover. As I read, I found myself thinking less about fear of the future and more about understanding the past. I realized that so much of scripture is not only prophecy about what may come, but also a record of what already happened to real people who struggled, loved, fought, repented, governed, failed, and tried again.

One of the greatest lessons I personally see in scripture is this:
when people forget God, forget gratitude, forget self-governance, and forget how to communicate with one another in kindness and truth, societies begin to divide.

But when people remember God and strive to live with integrity, communities become stronger.

The Ten Commandments are actually very simple principles. They are not complicated. They teach us not to steal, not to lie, not to murder, not to covet, to honor our parents, and to remember God. These principles are foundational to civility. They teach accountability and respect. They teach us how to govern ourselves instead of constantly trying to govern everyone else.

Sometimes in the modern world, people speak as though righteousness is impossible or confusing. But many of the Lord’s teachings are simple and direct. The difficulty is not understanding them intellectually. The difficulty is living them consistently.

As I have read the Book of Mormon, I have thought often about the people in its pages who left lands of inheritance and journeyed into uncertainty searching for freedom, peace, and covenant living. They raised families. They endured wars, pride cycles, political disagreements, and spiritual struggles. In many ways, they dealt with the same human weaknesses we still wrestle with today.

That is why I believe scripture matters so much in our day.

If we do not remember the past, we can accidentally repeat it.

Scripture teaches patterns. It teaches consequences. It teaches what happens when pride overtakes humility, when contention replaces communication, and when people stop listening to the Spirit and only listen to anger, fear, or selfishness.

I believe one reason the world struggles so much right now is because people no longer know how to truly communicate with one another. Everyone wants to speak, but very few want to listen. Everyone wants to be understood, but many struggle to understand others. The Savior, however, taught people one by one. He listened. He taught with patience. He corrected with love and truth together.

In 3 Nephi, when Christ ministered to the people after His resurrection, He did not come with confusion or chaos. He came with peace. He invited people to come unto Him personally. He taught them to pray, to forgive, to stop contending, and to become unified.

One of the most powerful things about the Savior’s ministry is that He continually reminded people that they belonged to God and that they were accountable for how they treated one another.

Sometimes we become so focused on proving ourselves right that we forget the greater purpose of discipleship. The purpose is not to dominate one another. The purpose is to become more Christlike.

And becoming Christlike requires discipline.

It requires honesty when honesty is uncomfortable.
It requires humility when pride would be easier.
It requires forgiveness when anger feels justified.
It requires patience when we are frustrated.
It requires responsibility for our own choices rather than constant blame.

I believe the Restoration reminds us that God still speaks, that scripture still matters, and that individuals must seek understanding personally. Nobody can gain a testimony for us. Nobody can read for us. Nobody can pray for us forever. At some point, each of us must decide whether we will seek truth sincerely and whether we are willing to live according to the light we receive.

I also believe that we must be careful not to let conviction become condemnation. It is easy to become frustrated with the world. It is easy to feel discouraged by division, confusion, or disrespect. But the Savior did not teach hatred. He taught repentance, mercy, and invitation.

The gospel calls us to stand firm in truth while still treating others as children of God.

That balance matters.

We can uphold commandments without becoming cruel.
We can defend values without losing compassion.
We can disagree without dehumanizing one another.

The Savior’s ministry was always centered on agency. He invited people to follow Him, but He did not force them. He taught clearly and then allowed individuals to choose.

I think one of the greatest responsibilities we have today is to become examples of peaceful self-governance. To live in such a way that our homes become places of honesty, reverence, responsibility, forgiveness, and learning.

The world does not need more noise.
It needs more light.
It needs more people willing to slow down, study deeply, communicate clearly, and remember God.

I am grateful for scripture that reminds us humanity has struggled before and that the Lord has never abandoned His children. I am grateful for the opportunity to continue learning and growing. I am grateful that Christ teaches us line upon line and gives us opportunities to repent, improve, and become more united.

Most of all, I am grateful for the Savior Jesus Christ, for His example, His mercy, His teachings, and His invitation to come unto Him.

I leave these thoughts with you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.